The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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