my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
This is my gift to your gina
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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