The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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