Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize