Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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