I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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