Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
