That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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