I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
