well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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