I got chris browned last night
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
