It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
