I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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