i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
