there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize