Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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