...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm too high and old for this...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize