You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
