i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
