The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
