Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
