god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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