Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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