her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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