I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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