Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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