i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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