last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize