At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
