it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
