got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I don't deserve a penis
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
