Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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