it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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