Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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