You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
