your parents love me but you hate me
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
bring money and cleavage
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
