Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
