Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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