im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
