I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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