I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
