Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
