I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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