last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He did a backflip because drugs
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
