Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
