Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
