Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
