I can't breathe out the right side of my face
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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