Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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