you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just want nice things and good sex
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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