I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
