I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
