Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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