two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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